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The Best Way to Become His Dream Lover!
I have this belief about men: I believe ALL men want nothing more than to be good providers. I think every single one of them deeply desires the ability to provide his partner with things like safety, financial security, loyalty, patience, kindness, understanding, and great sex.
Yes, there are some men who don’t have confidence in their power to provide. (You see men like this today more than ever.) This lack of confidence makes many act controlling, jealous, arrogant, lazy, avoidant, childish, selfish, etc. However, these men and their issues are a different article.
The point I’m making here is this: If you act like a woman who truly and deeply appreciates a confident man’s gifts of love (his affection, luxury items like jewelry, chores accomplished around the house to ease your load, etc.), he will start feeling better and better about himself as a man and will want to continue breaking his back for more of your confidence-building gratitude.
And sex is no exception.
So, the best way to be a man’s dream lover? Stop trying to please him and start LETTING him gratify, satisfy, delight, excite, and IGNITE you with his sexual gifts!
Sure, a guy’s not going to turn down quality fellatio, but believe it or not, it’s how turned on YOU get during sex that makes or breaks it for him. And this is especially true if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
Think of yourself like a mirror, reflecting back to him how great he is in bed. The more you AUTHENTICALLY enjoy his touches, kisses, nibbles, and thrusts, the better of a lover he thinks he is. And the better a lover he thinks he is-you got it!-the better a lover he thinks YOU are!
Sounds so easy, right? “I just relax, focus on genuinely fulfilling my sexual needs and receiving pleasure, and he is left just as happy as a clam? That can’t be hard!”
Actually, it can be quite hard. It goes against everything many of us women have been taught, and it is really hard to do under the WRONG circumstances!
Many of us have been taught to be proper ladies. We’ve been taught to not talk about sex like it’s something slushy and juicy and dirty and musky and wild and sweaty and slippery. Even reading those adjectives on this page might make you blush or cringe. “Slippery and juicy? That’s kind of yucky.” Well, guess what? Your body doesn’t think so.
A few years back, before I starting making relationship advice a career, I spoke with quite a few sexually shy women. My ex-hubby was from a religious family and culture, and most of his female cousins and friends were shy about sex. They wanted to please their husbands in the bedroom and they wanted to enjoy sex, but they didn’t know how to relax enough, feel comfortable enough, and feel like they had permission enough to express their enjoyment fully.
They were so worried about the man’s pleasure that they never thought about their own. When I told them that a man’s pleasure was wrapped up in their pleasure, they were overwhelmed and afraid of looking not pleased enough in their man’s eyes.
So, if you are also shy and ashamed of your sexuality, let me, right now, give you permission not to be shy and not to worry about LOOKING pleased as much as actually BEING pleased. Many men can feel the difference between you putting on airs and you authentically getting aroused.
Tell yourself, “Kristina gives me permission to be a free girl in the bedroom. She gives me permission to be self-invested in the bedroom, because that’s really what HE wants. She gives me permission to let my wildest fantasies play on the playground of my imagination anytime I want. She says that to be a sexual woman is not a sin, so my body is free from sexual shame.”
Also, enjoying sex fully can be much harder with a guy you DON’T really know well. When you have sex with someone you don’t feel emotionally safe with, your body is less likely to surrender to that person’s touch and sex. You end up performing instead of experiencing!
A good test to know if your body feels safe with someone is to think about whether or not you would leave that person alone in your house when you weren’t there. If you can’t trust a man with your television set, why on earth would you trust him alone in your bedroom with your beautiful, precious, naked body?
Look, I’m not against casual sex, but just remember that you want a healthy mind and body that are attracted to (and surrender fully to) safety and love, not to precarity and anatomy.
Here are some suggestions to help you feel more sexual and in your body and start authentically CRAVING, LOVING, NEEDING, and ENJOYING your man’s sex:
Don’t beat yourself up for the ways you’ve acted sexually with men in the past. You are still alive and your heart is still beating with love to give! Don’t let a memory take away your soul’s spirit and your desire to experience sexual bliss. Forget that drunken night in the back seat of that weird guy’s car, because we almost all have a memory like that, and start thinking about the kind of lovemaking you want to have now and in the future.
STOP reading articles about how to give mind-blowing oral sex.How are you going to focus on your pleasure if you are preoccupied with figuring out how to make one hand move one way, the other move the other way, and your mouth go up and down, all at the same time? His penis isn’t a shake weight. He wants you to enjoy what you are doing, not stress out.
SURRENDER to your man’s non-sexual affection as often as you can. I often use the image of butter on a hot metal spoon, where you are the butter and his touch is the spoon. Melt into his tenderness. Make a conscious effort to relax your muscles when he touches you, and start outside the bedroom. Allow yourself to look into his eyes and silently say to him, “That feels like heaven, you beautiful man.” Or say it aloud.
Let HIM undress you in bed. With every item of clothing he removes, surrender to his touch, an aspect of your vulnerability.
Don’t primp and fuss over putting on stiff, itchy lingerie for him that makes YOU feel anything but sensual. Wear WHATEVER makes you feel deliciously fleshy and carnal.
Face and work out insecurities, childhood traumas, and irrational fearsyou have surrounding sex. Seek the help of a professional if you need to. My therapist was and is a lifesaver.
Face and work out any anger and resentment you have toward your man. Emotional problems seep quickly into the bedroom, and you won’t surrender to his affections if you are mad at him.
Try, as best you can, NOT to fill in the moments of awkwardness or stillness during lovemakingby jumping to please him or attempting to prove to him that you are a wonderful lover who’s up for lots of positions and can gyrate at an incredible speed. Try to do nothing in those moments and just surrender to the awkwardness until your body lets you know what it wants next.
Keep yourself open to accepting his gifts of passion. If he wants to give you long wet kisses, don’t rush him or reject them. Let him lead the way and ask yourself if you like the kisses. If so, surrender to them. If not, guide him to the pleasure you want, like softly taking his hand and placing it on your breast.
Try really hard not to watch yourself. Give your body and voice free range to move, wiggle, squeal, and giggle however you want. The best way to do this is to focus on one thing he is doing and let yourself bleed into that sensation. If he is inside you, concentrate on the walls of your vagina and how good he feels against them. This will take your mind off how you THINK you look and sound to him.
Don’t be afraid to encourage him by letting him know how great he’s doing:say, “You feel so good inside me,” or “Do you feel how wet you make me?” But be sure to MEAN the things you say. Don’t say them when you actually feel sore, chafed, tense, and anxious.
If you find yourself feeling numb, anxious, or annoyed by a position or his speed, slow down your breathing and tell him you want to switch it up or stop.I give you permission to take breaks for a bit during lovemaking, or to stop completely if you feel physically uncomfortable or emotionally overwhelmed.
Allow yourself to feel seen as a person, not just as a body to be used. Remember the movie Bridesmaids? Remember the sex in the beginning of the movie where he was jerking around in different positions and she was miserable and so disconnected from him? Don’t allow this. You deserve connection-and so does he, so connect with his eyes and let him see that you are grateful for his sex gifts.
Surrender to his effort to please by having an IMAGE: He’s your sexual hero, he’s the man of your dreams who wants nothing but to hold your feelings and take care of your sexual needs. He’s your willing and eager sexual servant, your protector who craves to be inside your soft, luscious body…
Tell yourself there is time for your orgasm!He has the time for you and enjoys working you up to a climax.
Pleasure yourself when you are alone.If it’s shaming for you to masturbate, write in your diary (if you don’t have a love diary, I suggest you get one and start writing in it) about why you think that is, and then at the end of the diary entry, write yourself a little mantra that gives you permission to be shame-free and enjoy self-pleasuring. If it doesn’t shame you to masturbate and you actually reach orgasm that way faster than with a man, ask yourself how you can start feeling comfortable and vulnerable enough to enjoy sex like you do self-pleasuring.
If you give him oral sex (if he wants this and you’re up for it, please don’t deny him), think about how you can still be pleasing yourself while you are pleasing him. Think of his penis as YOUR personal pleasure wand. Let every one of your licks and caresses turn YOU on by imagining that you are lubricating and preparing your precious pleasure wand for your vaginal pleasure. Trust me, he won’t complain about being your treasured pleasure toy.
Men WANT you to have a great time in bed. It greatly builds their power to provide, and it gives them permission to let loose and not worry about you. If they know that you are enjoying yourself and that you feel safe and can speak up when you aren’t happy, it frees them up to have fun too. This also makes you a dream lover in their eyes.
In every other part of the relationship, I tell women to be selfless while keeping boundaries and communicating their needs. In the bedroom, I give you full allowance to be selfish. He lusts after your selfish sexual attitude! Just think of you saying, “Oh my! That feels amazing. Keep doing that. Never stop!” being equivalent to him saying, “Let’s go out and buy you diamonds, baby!”
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